Welcome back to the TV Boyfriend Smackdown! We pit two (or three) of television’s most eligible (and fictional) bachelors against one another, and discuss their merits with regard to three major categories: attractiveness, personality, and potential for capital-D Drama. Based on our spirited debate, we’ll declare a winner, but fear not: you’ll have a chance to weigh in as well.
This week, we’re pitting Brooklyn’s bestie detectives up against each other. Charles Boyle and Jake Peralta, watch out — we’re taking a good, hard look at more than your detecting skills. Beware of spoilers here; if we’re going to judge thoroughly, we’re going to judge on everything that’s happened so far and we can’t be held responsible
for your inability to Hulu or Netflix in a timely manner. Let the smackdown begin!Detective Jake PeraltaLindsay's Take:
Jake Peralta, played by elastic-faced (and I mean that in the best way) Andy Samberg
, is the most effective (arguably) detective in the 99. But how would he be in trying to find a way...into your heart?
- Attractiveness: Jake is a reasonably handsome cat. He’s goofy, sometimes eats weeks-old croissants, and wears a hoodie far too often, but when he puts on that detective-edition leather jacket, it’s on. He doesn’t even wear a uniform on the reg, and still the uniform works for him. How is that?
- Personality: I admire Jake’s ability to never take anything seriously only for the sheer fact that he still gets results. Jake has, in Gina’s words, a “crippling spending problem,” no money, and no real dates, and he is still the most charming guy in the 99, as well as the best detective. On the other hand, it would be very annoying to be with someone who can’t have a normal conversation without making a weird face or a fart joke. While a great cop, Jake still has some growing up to do.
- Possible Drama: Jake Peralta has mastered this odd combination of amazing hubris and crippling immaturity. He can’t admit (until literally the very last moment) that he likes coworker Amy “I have something to say” Santiago — instead, he chooses to mock and tease her like a third-grader on the playground. When it comes to matters not related to the NYPD, Jake is very good at getting in his own way, which could cause plenty of relationship drama.
Detective Charles BoyleJess' Take:
- Attractiveness: Jake is handsome, yesiree — his jawline is like, cut, from marble, even if the rest of his face is cut from Silly Putty™. (How else would it be possible that his mouth can look so normal-sized when it’s closed and be SO freaking large when it’s open?) And I’m even into the hoodie-and-necktie look.
- Personality: He’s so immature that it somehow loops back around to end up at great detective/charming guy/kinda goofy. I don’t even get how that works, really, suffice it to say that yes, Jake has to grow up, but he’s also sweet and smart and a really good friend/co-cop.
- Possible Drama: Like Lindsay said, Jake takes the elementary school approach to flirting, which stopped being cute immediately after elementary school ended (middle school was all about getting your friends to ask out your crush for you, rather than incessantly annoying your crush on the playground). That would get old, but I’m pretty sure Jake could overcome.
Ah, Boyle. It’s hard for me to consider anyone who uses the phrase “mouthfeel” to describe...anything...a prospective boyfriend, but let’s give Boyle a chance, shall we? It’s hard to say no to those puppy dog eyes.
- Attractiveness: See above re: puppy dog eyes. Boyle is cute in a non-threatening way, partially because he’s so sweet and often vulnerable. He wears his emotions very clearly on his face — which does wonders for his attractiveness when he’s happy, and the opposite of wonders when he’s sad.
- Personality: He’s definitely nice, but he’s also kind of naive and sort of a stage 5 clinger. Sweetness is ultimately an asset though, as is Charles’ brain. Dude is smart, and really passionate about his interests (i.e. cooking, food, etc.), which is always a plus (unless you’re Dexter and your interest is serial killing).
- Possible Drama: Clingy McClingerson isn’t the guy I want to date — but, though it’d get annoying, in Boyle’s case it’s really just a sign of how much he likes you. And that, much like everything else about Boyle, is sweet.
Winner: Jake Peralta
- Attractiveness: Charles is definitely the sweetest guy at the 99. Though a tad bit on the short side, he’s got a good job, great smile, and a full head of lustrous black hair. Plus, he gets to wear a uniform from time to time, even if he is the opening act for a horse. He bagged Marilu Henner, so he’s definitely got something going for him.
- Personality: Boyle is, in a word, nice. And I don’t mean that in a “well, he’s nice and that’s it” kind of way — I mean it as he is the sweetest and kindest member of the crew in the 99. Boyle is always ready to help out a fellow cop, which is a testament to his character since they are always taking the piss out of him. He only tells the truth about what he thinks about people when under the influence of his very strong “butt hole” drugs. He’s almost too nice, come to think of it.
- Possible Drama: Totally being too nice! Charles comes on strong when he likes a girl (remember Jake telling him not to go “full Boyle” when he was starting to date Vivian?), and that can be off-putting for some, causing heartbreak drama really only for Boyle. At his core, Boyle is a true teddy bear, just looking to be loved and have someone help out with his pizza blog. Won’t you help him figure out mouthfeels?
We have faith in Jake’s ability to grow up — he DID just admit he has feelings for Amy, after all! And we just can't resist his gooftastic smile.
Disagree with our outcome? Well, you have a say, too! Just vote for your preferred winner in this round of the TV Boyfriend Smackdown below, and we’ll see you in two weeks for our next match-up!