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'True Blood' Recap: Terry's Merciful Death


(HBO)

Okay, so those two major cliffhangers from last week ended up being tiny little molehills in the grand scheme of things. The whimper that was Pam and Eric's fight came as a slight surprise — I mean, holy cop out, Batman — but I think we all expected Warlow to swoop in and save Sookie, Billith or no Billith. Is Warlow Sookie's new endgame now? Is there even a bad guy now that Governor Burrell is dead? What is happening?!

Honestly, no one can ever really predict what's going to happen on this show week by week, since its writers all smoke peyote and as a result the scripts defy all logic and reason. But there's sex and abs and even more sex, so what do we care? We don't. We don't care at all. Like Sookie, we're all a bunch of danger-whores, ready to field whatever curve ball True Blood sends our way. And tonight's installment, "Don't You Feel Me?", threw plenty.

First and foremost, Terry Bellefleur is now dead. For both Terry and the viewers, it was a mercy killing. True Blood needed to get rid of some dead plot weight, and I guess this was the best way to ruffle some Bon Temps feathers without losing any viewers, since no one really cares that much about Terry. It's sad for Arlene, but Terry's scenes have been dragging the show down for years. It was his time.

However, despite the glaring necessity of plot-destruction, it's straight up not cool that the cast and crew have been teasing a major, game-changing death since the season started. Actor Todd Lowe may be their bestest friend in the whole wide universe, but getting rid of Terry won't change anything for Sookie, Eric, Bill, Pam, Jessica, Jason, Tara, Sam, Alcide and all of the other characters True Blood could have offed for some emotional resonance. I mean, this show replaced freaking Game of Thrones in the 9pm timeslot. GoT killed off more main characters in one single episode of its third season than True Blood has in six years. And their casts are basically the same size, which is infinity.

But all impossible comparisons aside (these shows are not in the same league, and True Blood probably isn't even trying to be), True Blood will be minus two leads next week, and that's definitely a good thing. Governor Burrell was beheaded by a daywalking Bill — a move that definitely mirrored Christopher Meloni's sudden, untimely demise last season — while Terry was shot by that war buddy he'd "hired" last week. Plus, the horrible Emma roadtrip is (fingers crossed!) finally over, and Nora might be dead, too! Hooray for getting back to basics, True Blood. Let's sink our teeth into this week's winners and losers, shall we?

1. Warlow and Sookie
Has anyone ever read Love in the Time of Cholera, that book where the young guy falls for the pretty lady but she marries the rich doctor instead so he waits for 50 years and they hook up in their 70's? No? Well, Waity-Warlow makes that guy look as impatient as a Real Housewife at the DMV. He'd been waiting for Sookie for centuries, and last night he finally consummated his love with everyone's favorite danger-whore. (Sorry, that's my favorite word now, and I don't see its impact lessening anytime soon.)

What's more, it looks like his supposedly genuine affection is rapidly becoming mutual. When Warlow joined the "I Saved Sookie Club" and lamented the fact that she had learned the awful truth about her parents, it pained him... and she liked it. And later, when he explained that the contract he'd signed (in blood!) was really just an arranged marriage sort of thing which was totally normal back in the 1700's, she seemed to really get it. This was her destiny, and despite her newly hardened exterior, Sookie is just a masochistic romantic at heart. She's hooked on Warlow; already trusting him enough to share her freaking blood. Slow down, sister.

2. The Werewolf Alcide's Dad Had Sex With
Because, as she so eloquently put it, she's had worse days. Days that didn't involve dirty werewolf sex and a giant bucket of KFC. 

3. Sam
Sam doesn't have to take care of Emma or deal with Alcide anymore, so he's flying pretty high. True, Alcide essentially kicked him out of Louisiana, but given the current state of affairs in the Pelican State that doesn't really seem like a punishment. And he gets to keep Nicole! Nicole is nice and pretty. Good for Sam. Get out of there while you still can, buddy.

4. Adelene-Breland-Charlene-Danica
Andy's final fairy daughter finally got a name! Well, kind of. She was actually pretty selfish; demanding four names in honor of her three deceased fairy sisters. Andy doesn't know that many words, Adelene! But all silliness aside, ABCD was filled with genuine fairy joy when she finally got that name. Good for her. No one is ever happy on this show.

5. Bill
It's hard to place Bill on this list since he isn't really Bill anymore, but he managed to rid himself slash the world of his main enemy, Burrell, so that's a win. The weight of the vampire world is also on his shoulders — a major minus — but all that is balanced out by the fact that he was able to walk around in daylight for the first time in hundreds of years. Being the savior to vampire-kind can be a pretty s**tty job, but it also has its perks. 

6. Willa
Willa probably wouldn't be this high up if she knew that her daddy was dead, but she doesn't, so she is. Daddy's vampire princess was finally taken out of solitary confinement to live amongst other vampires (like, swoon, Eric) for the first time, and that all seemed to be pretty exciting for her. Willa is a lot like Season 2's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Jessica, so breaking the rules and teaming up with a super-secret vampire squad was just awesome. Enjoy it while you can, Willa!

7. Eric
The good news, of course, is that Eric did not kill Pam and Pam did not kill Eric. Apparently Pam's therapist took a liking to his f**ked up patient (is this Dexter all of a sudden?), so she was spared. Phew.

However, Burrell and his legion of vamp-haters still wanted Eric to suffer for the whole Willa thing, so they brought in Nora and injected her with a supposedly fatal dose of hepatitis V. (I say supposedly because she isn't dead yet. Pity.)

This was already painful enough, but when Eric escaped with Willa and a just-holding-on Nora, he discovered that things were way, way worse than he thought. You see, when Burrell was making that deal with the True Blood suit back in episode one, it wasn't just for money. Every single True Blood bottle is now being infected with trace doses of hep V, which could potentially end vampire-kind. Burrell may be dead, but his bottles live on.

8. Jason
Jason Stackhouse can never resist a good old-fashioned harebrained scheme, so invading vampire camp to save Jessica with no plan B, C, or D seemed like a great idea at the time. That is, until he ran into Sarah Newlin. I honestly thought that Jason might be the one to bite it when he ran into the psycho blond sorority queen from hell, but I guess killing an "innocent" human would violate her code of human-loving ethics.

Of course, Sarah still found a way to outsmart the dumbest person on this show by putting him in a room and forcing him to watch Jessica getting raped. Thankfully, the rape that made Sarah oh-so-giddy (sick) was squelched when the ridiculously hot vampire they chose refused to do it, but Sarah's message was still read loud and clear, and that message was "don't f**k with me." Good luck getting out of this one, Stackhouse.

9. Nora
Nora is slowly dying of hepatitis V. This does not sound fun.

10. Arlene
Oh Arlene, you beautiful soul. Just embrace your single-dom honey, because every man you touch turns to stone. Though I truly cannot care about Arlene and Terry's relationship (blame the Ifrit), it was pretty sad that she successfully Eternal Sunshined Terry — giving him one final day of blissful, unburdened, glamour-induced happiness — before his (un?)timely demise. Thank God Adelene-Breland-Charlene-Danica is around to help with the kids.

What did you think of tonight's episode, viewers? Are you sad to see Terry go? Do you trust Warlow, or should Eric swoop in and save the day? Are you going out to buy some KFC right now? I am!
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