Okay, liArs – Jess is missing tonight (but don’t worry, she’ll be back next week, not found in a shallow grave like Jessica DiLaurentis), so you’re stuck with just Lindsay. Another week of Pretty Little Liars, another funeral. We open with a catatonic Ali, which is to be expected — after all, her mother was just dug up by the family dog. In true PLL fashion, all of the girls look like they’re going to a nightclub and not a service of mourning — there is no room for cutouts at a funeral, ladies. Ali comes downstairs in a dress that belonged to her mom because she wanted to feel close to her, and it turns out that it’s the dress that Mrs. D. wore to Ali’s funeral. Super awks, guys.
Flash to Rosewood High School—the principal is all “we’ll protect you but cut the crap, okay?” They have to act like things are normal because that’s what they do anyway. All of the liArs think that Jason killed Mrs. D, but Spencer is once again on her half-brother’s side. They also talk about ensuring EzrA’s silence, and Aria is all like “hell to the no, not going to see that dude.” But — surprise! He’s back in Rosewood! Of course, she goes to his apartment anyway. I have to say — Ian Harding looks great with some scruff. Let’s get a scruffy EzrA. Anyway, EzrA says he knew that Shauna was following Aria and that she was A and Aria dodges all of that because of the “killing her” thing. He agrees to go along with Ali’s story, though, and that’s what important to the liArs.
Paige and Emily have a run-in in the hallway, and a mystery transfer girl is staring at Emily. Thank god, because P & E are so awkward together right now. Paige doesn’t really understand that they’re broken up. Is this girl a love interest? A nemesis for Paige? Color me intrigued. Color Emily intrigued, too, because she confronts this mystery girl (Sydney Driscoll, which is such a soapy name) who apologizes and fawns over Emily’s swimming trophies. Are we going to get a Swimfan-style fight to the death here? Sydney asks Emily to critique her swimming. Emily obliges, and I don’t care a lick about this storyline. But since they’re giving this full-lipped swimmer such screen time, she’ll be important eventually (I still bet on Swimfan).
Melissa is back, and she and Spencer trade barbs about not getting involved with the DiLaurentis family. Spencer, of course, ignores this and talks to Jason (looking good in your mourning clothes, just saying). She shows Jason the “I can’t protect you anymore” email, and the two extrapolate whatever meaning they can from those five words. Jason tells her three very important things: 1) “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”, 2) “Get out while you can”, and 3) “Don’t trust our father.” Jason is right, because Mr. Hastings sees Ali walking around town and forcefully suggests he give her a ride home.
Ali and Hanna hit up a funeral home to get something of Mrs. D’s, triggering a Hanna flashback, post-Ali’s disappearance, in which Mona creates the #NewHanna, aka the Popular Girl Hanna. Can we cue the She’s All That entrance music? Because it’s a transformation, y’all! Complete with an eyeroll-inducing-catwalk-down-the-hallway montage. It turns out that Mona knew that Ali was alive when they were going through, as Hanna puts it, “glamour boot camp.” Hanna confronts Mona about this tidbit, and Mona is all “you should be grateful you’re not Hefty Hanna anymore, bye.” This causes Hanna to have a quarter (eighth?) life crisis.
Pretty Little Extras: • “Coincidences happen all the time.” – Aria. “Yeah, like coconuts on trees waiting for you to walk under them.” – Spencer • Aria’s pattern-mixing is both stylish and garish. Never change, Aria. • “We all have to be careful of how others see us.” – Mona • Lucy Hale’s got some fierce ombre hair going. • “We’re like the Hatfields and the McCoys.” – Spencer. “Nothing so rustic. More like the Borgias and the Medicis.” – Melissa Hastings, my queen. • Fat Hanna flashbacks? The CGI of Hanna’s fat chin seriously gave me life. • “Everything’s better with a friend.” – Mona. Sure, Mona. • Another reason why Ali is so much smarter than the other girls? She doesn’t forget the little details. Ali heads over to EzrA’s because she knows he wouldn’t have really gotten rid of his book. Did he? Of course not. • Mr. Hastings and Melissa pull the “we know something you don’t know” in front of Spencer, which would infuriate me.
There ya go, liArs. Aria and Hanna are losing their damn minds, Spencer is falling into her same single-minded ways, and Mona is smarter than we thought, using Ali’s disappearance to rocket her way up the Rosewood social hierarchy. Will she fall from the top when Ali gets back to school? Let’s find out next week on Pretty Little Liars.