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'Justice League' Proves That Superman Is the Pumpkin Spice Latte of All Superheroes

Superman is as basic as a superhero can get.

'Justice League' Proves That Superman Is the Pumpkin Spice Latte of All Superheroes
Warner Bros. Productions

Superman’s presence in Justice League is, perhaps, the most cringeworthy and deliriously mopey thing to happen since Anakin Skywalker’s “I don’t like sand” monologue in Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones.

In fact, Justice League does fine without Superman, hitting all the notes to prevent itself from turning into the worst DC Comics movie ever. Then Henry Cavill pops up with his beautifully chiseled face and terrible acting, and it all goes to the crapper. Seriously, his rendition of Superman will leave you with second-hand embarrassment. Think of him as the DC Comics version of a no-foam, triple shot half-caf pumpkin spice latte. Yeah, that's how basic Superman is.

Nothing is gained from watching Clark Kent’s alter-ego attempting to murder his superhero allies. It makes little to no sense, and the script discards this narrative without any impact or emotional pay off. It just feels like a let’s make all these superheroes fight each other narrative ploy. Plus, does anyone really believe that the world would fall into depressing chaos because a brooding alien isn’t around to keep them in check? If those criminals who kicked over a couple of fruit carts proved anything, it’s that Superman is the most achingly awful superhero to ever hit the cinematic screen.

'Justice League' Proves That Superman Is the Pumpkin Spice Latte of All Superheroes
Warner Bros. Productions

Later in the film, when the Pet Sematary scenario finally concludes, Clark flies away with Lois to a CGI cornfield straight out of James Wan’s nightmares. The emotional reunion between Lois and Clark feels heavy-handed, boring, and familiar. It’s hard to take it in, knowing that those extra minutes could’ve been allotted to the infinitely more hilarious and playful presence of Ezra Miller’s The Flash.

You see, that’s just it. With the inclusion of the effortlessly likable Barry Allen; the forever badass, warrior-queen Diana; and the insanely hot Arthur Curry, Clark Kent is a blister in the eye. Justice League makes a big deal about Superman being dead and ultimately being resurrected, but the real question is: Does anybody even care about him? (Apart from Lois Lane and Martha Kent, obviously.)

While his absence seems to have a disproportionally averse effect on the world — which is a major part of Justice League’s setup — his return does not render a celebration or a montage of bad guys being thrown into jail cells. Perhaps, the weirdest thing about Justice League is its insistence that Superman can basically defeat Steppenwolf, the movie’s underwhelming villain, on his own.

The Man of Steel’s dull presence undercuts the need for a team, thereby stripping away a satisfying climax. Superman has too many powers which means that he will never lose a battle or even come close to annihilation. But where’s the fun in that? There are no stakes, no danger, no excitement when it comes to him. That’s precisely what makes Superman the blandest member of the Justice League.

Like a warm, perfectly seasoned Pumpkin Spice Latte, Superman provides as much umph as a pair of UGG boots or the Snapchat dog filter. Basically, he's the most basic member of the Justice League, and he needs to get axed.

View Ezra Miller Pictures »