Last Thursday, the Internet convinced thousands of people that actor Jeff Goldblum had fallen to his death in New Zealand. It was a major hoax that capitalized on the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson in the same day.
This week, Stephen Colbert reported on his show that Goldblum had indeed died, citing "The Twitter" user "Delicioushair" as his unimpeachable source. Goldblum himself showed up to dispel the misinformation, at which point Colbert yelled, "Do you mind, Jeff Goldblum? I am reporting on the death of Jeff Goldblum!"
Goldblum eventually conceded to Colbert and delivered his own eulogy: No one will miss Jeff Goldblum more than me. He was not only a friend, and a mentor, but uh, he was also me. Jeff Goldblum performances combined the muscularity of Brando, the pathos of Streep, and the musky sensuality of a pride of baboons...
One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum was like, quote, 'Being caught in a flesh storm with a 90% chance of satisfaction.' Unquote, that's verbatim. I cannot overstate how amazing Jeff Goldblum was in bed.
When Jeff Goldblum passed away, a little bit of all of us died. I will be missed. Especially Sundays at 9 PM on Law & Order Criminal Intent. Watch the hilarity below: