Welcome back to the TV Boyfriend Smackdown! We pit two (or three) of television’s most eligible (and fictional) bachelors against one another, and discuss their merits with regard to three major categories: attractiveness, personality, and potential for capital-D Drama. Based on our spirited debate, we’ll declare a winner, but fear not: you’ll have a chance to weigh in as well.
This week, we’re going fantasy-style...fantasy football, that is. Yup, we’re taking a look at the three bachelors of The League
— Pete No-Known-Last-Name (jk, it’s Eckhart) vs. Taco MacArthur vs. Dr. Andre “Double Ent-andre” Nowzick. Beware of spoilers here — if we’re going to judge thoroughly, we’re going to judge on everything that’s happened so far and we can’t be held responsible
for your inability to Hulu or Netflix in a timely manner. Let the smackdown begin!PeteLindsay's Take:
Peter is the playboy of The League’s rag-tag group of pals. Is it because he’s the only single one? Nope (Andre is also single). What makes him so irresistible to members of the opposite sex (and that one guy with Bears tickets)? Let’s take a look.
- Attractiveness: Mark Duplass (who plays Pete) is one of the pioneers of the sort of mumblecore movie genre, full of schlumpy men just talking about nothing. Pete is sort of schlumpy, but an impish grin and tousled hair make up for his general lack of station in life. He is the best-looking (traditionally) of the guys on The League.
- Personality: A little full of himself, a little too into his friends: I’m sure we all know a guy like this. That being said, Pete is charming as hell. He’s definitely fun, although he tends to get in his own way (see: the time at the high school reunion where he ruined his chances for a great job, among others). If he just cared a little more and wasn’t so easygoing about his, um, entire life, things may go a little easier.
- Possible Drama: Pete takes his friends’ opinions into account at way too severe a degree: he won’t quit fantasy football with his buds for Meghan (although she was a little nuts), he stopped holding hands with Rosette after his pals told him to, and he sandwiched dating a white girl in between two Asian girls because the guys told him it would seem as if he was “into Asians” if he didn’t. And those are just off the top of my head. You get into bed with Pete, you gotta be prepared to get into bed with the whole crew, because his friends are not going anywhere.
- Attractiveness: Pete is definitely cute in a disheveled way. Even when he’s wearing a suit to work his hair is uncombed. But wrinkled clothing aside, his impish grin is too adorable to resist.
- Personality: Pete knows how to have fun, of course, and since he has yet to be fired by the King of Chardonnay, we have to assume he knows how to do a minimal amount of work, too. But Lindsay’s right in saying that Pete just doesn’t really care enough about anything...except fantasy football and Gina Gibiatti. If you look up “just motivated enough” in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of Pete. There’s not really a lot of passion with this one.
- Possible Drama: I totally concur with Lindsay’s assessment here — when you date Pete, you’re dating Kevin, Ruxin, Taco, Andre, and Jenny, too. Prepare thyself.
Oh, Taco. What is there to say? The Taco-ness of Taco kind of defies explanation/description. But I suppose I will try, for the sake of the Smackdown. Taco MacArthur — what in the world would he be like as a boyfriend?
- Attractiveness: Taco is quite attractive, yes, as what seems like hundreds of women can attest. If his eyes look blank and glassy and his gaze is totally vacant, don’t worry, it’s just because he’s high as a kite and ALWAYS looks it.
- Personality: Taco thinks an apostrophe is called an “uppercase comma.” He thinks “HOV” is a disease that gets you into the HOV lane on the highway. He leaves “guest bongs” at various locations around the city and thinks that a used thong trumps a hair-net in a restaurant environment. Do I really need to go on? Taco is a major space cadet, alternately a dummy/bizarro genius, loves his friends and family but hates his friends and family but loves them, and he is high. all. the. time.
- Possible Drama: Taco COULD be a great boyfriend...or he could either cheat on you or straight up forget he’s dating you. He’s pretty chill so he’s not going to stir up drama or anything. But wouldn’t you rather have a boyfriend who remembers where he left you last night?
AndreLindsay's Take: The League’
- Attractiveness: Jess is right — Taco is cute, but it’s in a sort of vagrant, unwashed way. He always looks high, and if you’re into that sort of thing, he’s your guys.
- Personality: Besides being absolutely blazed all of the time, Taco is a dreamer. He concocts all sorts of bongs out of weird objects, he’s an inventor, and he has his own business, along with a food truck that doesn’t sell tacos. He may be flighty and a drug addict, but he’s sure got chutzpah.
- Possible Drama: Even though Taco is high all of the time, he virtually never gets into trouble. Luck is always on his side. The problem he would have is if you took his weed away — he became too smart for his own good the one time it happened. Get that man a vaporizer and a Mr. McGibblets suit, and you’re in for a happy life.
s resident plastic surgeon (which the other guys will tell you is not a real doctor) is the brunt of everyone’s jokes, but how would we judge him as a boyfriend?
- Attractiveness: Kevin says that Andre looks like Nostradamus, and, well, it’s a little true. His clothes, which look like there was a fire at an Ed Hardy remainder sale, certainly don’t help either. But behind his overly primped exterior is a smart, competent, and funny guy (besides his taste in art), so what does it all matter?
- Personality: There’s always a person in a relationship that absorbs more of the other’s tastes and likes. This is Andre: he becomes obsessed with social media in one of his relationships, and when he met his ex-fiancee Trixie, he became really into weird home design. What I’m saying is, Andre sucks up interests and personality from those around him. Could you be with such an impressionable person? I don’t know if I could.
- Possible Drama: Andre’s drama only comes from his friends. He is the black sheep of the group, and a lot of their time is spent ragging on him and messing with his life (they filmed an adult movie in his loft, for chrissake). Andre would have to push away his friends for a bit for a normal life. The plus side? If you asked him, he would probably do it for you.
- Attractiveness: Andre has clear hair, super sensitive teeth enamel, and a seemingly endless Ed Hardy wardrobe. Not to mention the hats and scarves. Oy. He’s not exactly my type, but I’ll give him that his whole face lights up when he smiles. It’s kind of charming.
- Personality: A follower with a capital F. And like Lindsay said, he absorbs the interests of his girlfriends to an annoying degree. In Gillian Flynn terms, Andre’s trying to be a Cool Guy, but he’s, well, not a cool guy. He’s smart, but a whole lot of good it does him — he’s still so gullible he falls for anything and everyone. And he’s still always the butt of the joke.
- Possible Drama: I agree with Lindsay that Andre’s drama is pretty much all friend-related (and a little bit sperm-allergy related). They rag on him and rag on him and rag on him, and yet he still can’t cut the cord. He let the League host a draft at his wedding!
It was a close call, we have to admit. Taco was out of the running pretty early on, but we've gotta concede that Andre might be the most loyal boyfriend. However, his annoyingness just can't be forgotten in the end, and even though Pete might be a slacker, he's still eking out a win this week.
Disagree with our outcome? Well, you have a say, too! Just vote for your preferred winner in this round of the TV Boyfriend Smackdown below, and we’ll see you in two weeks for our next match-up!