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The '50 Shades Freed' Trailer Just Arrived and It's the Most Unsubtle Thing I've Ever Seen

Not that I'm complaining.

The 50 Shades Freed Trailer has Arrived and it's the Most Unsubtle Thing I've Ever Seen
Universal Pictures

What would Valentine’s Day really be without the national BDSM treasure that is 50 Shades? Some chocolates? Maybe a rose or twelve? Nope, not good enough. 

Thankfully, we can delay that answer for one final, blessed year. The trailer for 50 Shades Freed was released this morning, and let's just say this franchise knows its audience. From the sex, to the house buying, to the sex, it really runs the gamut of life's simple joys.

And it wouldn't be a true 50 Shades trailer if the background music wasn't sexy as frickin' hell. We see Ana in the driver's seat (literally and figuratively). When a home-wrecking architect tries to swoop in on her man, Anastasia hits her with that wifey card. Oh, did I forget to mention that Ana and Christian are married now? No more red-rooming in sin. 

We see Christian in a suit, in swim trunks, in his sex jeans. We see Ana's psycho ex-boss Jack Hyde and Mrs. Lincoln, Christian's BDSM teacher or predator (depending who you ask). We see Ana and Christian on a jet ski, in the shower, at the beach, in a bathtub (a really aquatic pair, those two).

The trailer closes with four little words: "Don't miss the climax." 

I probably couldn't even if I tried.