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'Scandal' Recap: Power Rankings for 'Randy, Red, Superfreak and Julia'

Scandal 4.1: Power Rankings for "Randy, Red, Superfreak and Julia"
(ABC)

And we’re off, Gladiators! It’s time for a new season and new power rankings. Much like Olivia, Jess has gone and left me all alone — I think she’s on an island with some hunky man, so it’s just Lindsay here for this season premiere. Let’s get through this together. When we left off, Harrison had a gun to his head, the President’s son was dead, and Liv was whisked to a land far far away with Jake. Who’s gained in status since the finale, and who is down in the dumps? Let’s find out.

1. David Rosen: David had a tough time last season — he witnessed three murders, he had to face down B613, and he was pretty sure he was going to die. But guess what! David’s like, in charge of stuff now. Cyrus is offering him the position of Attorney General, since Fitz just fired the other one. Even though this is more or less a power move by Cyrus, this is still a big deal for David. Go, David. Four for you, Glen Coco. Get that title and, as Abby told him, do something with your newfound power instead of lurking through B613 files all day long. Such a promotion in literal status has David up on top this week.

2. Cyrus: We’ve got a new Cyrus, everybody, and this Cyrus is really happy with the way this White House is working out now, as in they actually won an election for real and not by rigging the voting machines. He does not want Olivia or RNC chair Lizzie Bear, as he calls her, to mess it up! When Lizzie comes into his office yapping about how Fitz is upsetting all of the Republicans, he doesn’t back down. Instead, he has Fitz nominate Democrat David Rosen as an “eff you” to people (like Lizzie) who think they can tell this administration what to do. He also delivered the best line of the night to Fitz, re: Olivia: “We all know what happens next. We’ve seen this movie a hundred times.” BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.

Scandal 4.1: Power Rankings for "Randy, Red, Superfreak and Julia"3. Abby: Abby, apparently directly tapped by the White House upon Liv’s departure, has taken over James’ role (RIP) as White House Press Secretary. Now, she is rocking the fabulous coats and she is the one feeding the press lines about the President. She doesn’t get the top spot because she seems on the rocks with David Rosen and is sort of fighting with Olivia, but she still takes the bronze medal.

4. Olivia Pope: Where in the world is Olivia Pope aka Julia Baker? That should have been Julia Sugarbaker, amirite? Just kidding - I just love and miss Designing Women. But it is worth noting that Julia Baker was the title character of Julia, a 1968 TV show in which Diahann Carroll starred. Why does this matter? She was the first African-American to get the lead role in a network TV show... until Kerry Washington, that is. Good Easter egg, writers. Anyway, I digress - Liv/Jules is on an island 100 miles off the coast of Zanzibar, drinking ‘94 du Bellay with her hunk man, Jake Ballard, rocking that natural hair, and reading Gone Girl. Sounds pretty perfect, no? Until she gets word that Harrison is dead and she immediately feels the need to come back to DC to plan his funeral. Ugh, Liv - we were doing so well! Anywho, Liv, I mean Jules, I mean Liv, gives it all up like, the moment she gets back to Washington, as we all knew she would. She hits the ground running, representing a sexually harrassed White House intern, which is a plus. A minus? Grinning like a schoolgirl when she walks past Fitz in Congress. Like Cyrus and Elton John both said, “I’ve seen that movie, too.”

5. Fitz: Some pluses and minuses for Fitz land him in the middle spot. Minuses: His son is dead, his wife is crazy, Olivia is gone, and, apparently, he has attempted suicide. Pluses: he’s won re-election for realsies, and he’s making some serious changes in Washington. He also ordered Maya Pope dead, according to Eli Pope, which, if its true, ties up that plot line rather nicely, no? Fitz, you’re doing not that much wrong, but you’re also doing not that much right.

6. Jake Ballard: I hope that Jake realizes that Liv is totally going to leave him again. He has left Julia Baker and come back with Olivia Pope, and you can totally tell that he wants in on B613 again. Except Eli Pope would never let him have it. Jake only rates this high on the list because he discovered Gettysburger’s version of the McRib, and it sounds just delicious.

Scandal 4.1: Power Rankings for "Randy, Red, Superfreak and Julia"7. Mellie: Mellie is in a slump, let’s just say. She is wearing Ugg boots and drinking in the morning, but at least she’s got a fabulous kimono and a bag of Cheetos to make it really snazzy - it’s so Britney Spears, circa 2007. Especially with the bowling in the middle of the day. And she’s finally washing her hair! Mellie is taking her son’s death really hard, to which, what parent wouldn’t? She’s not her usual powerful Mellie self, except for the speech she gives Fitz at the end, telling him that she is not going to sniff around for Olivia Pope anymore and he can do what he wants as long as he tells her. Oh, and also that she stopped getting bikini waxes. You go, girl. Roam free.

8. Quinn: First off, of course Quinn was the one to find Olivia. All it took was some chatting with Dave from Dupont Liquors and a couple of Google searches and bam. Olivia Pope, back in DC. But Quinn too quickly fell away from her “Robin” persona and, you know, being a cold-blooded spy murderer, and she’s seeming a little lost right now. Don’t worry, Quinn. Huck will love you again.

9. Huck: When OPA split up after Olivia left, Huck went into, what else? IT. He works at a Geek Squad-esque counter helping people fix things. And he’s sad Olivia left. This is a major downgrade for Huck, who used to hack things in 45 seconds and kill people with his bare hands. Poor, poor Huck.

10. Harrison: He’s dead. So that’s pretty much the bottom of the barrel. RIP, dude. RIP.

And there you have it, Gladiators – Liv is back, and she’s kicking ass and taking names. Next week, she’ll probably see Fitz and we’ll start all that nonsense again, but for now, let’s just bask in the glory of a woman who knows how to get it all done. See you next week!
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